Youabian Puma

“The Puma’s goal is not to be the fastest in the world, but to be the most unique...”

The Los Angeles Auto Show, 2013.  Subaru’s new WRX and the Mercedes AMG Vision Gran Turismo concept dazzle the crowds.  But something giant threatens to steal their thunder, like an angry blue hippo with a shrunken head.  Behold, the 20’ long Youabian Puma.  As your eyes wander over the convoluted, bulging body, you wonder exactly what it is.  An aquatic vehicle?  An SUV?  An abomination that should have been aborted at conception?  Yet it’s none of those things.  Well – except that last one.

What it is is a “pleasure vehicle”, according to the company.

“Conceptualized for those individuals who dare to be different than the ordinary. Those who go a step beyond achieving and dreaming the best that they can be.”

Technically, it’s a custom aluminum chassis, a pile of frightening fibreglass, a Corvette drivetrain and the interior and roof of a Volvo C70.  It took SEVEN YEARS to develop. And although the name makes some assume it’s some kind of Chinese automotive cloning disaster, it’s actually from LA – the brainchild of a plastic surgeon who’s name it bears.  A plastic surgeon whose client base is quickly shrinking since the 2013 LA Auto Show, no doubt.

But perhaps that most frightening part of all this is the price tag - $1.1M.  For what looks like a bloated whale carcass with monster truck wheels and a Volvo C70 stuck in the top.  Better start saving.

Missfire

This unfortunate Crossfire looks like a Transformer stuck halfway to becoming an Audi A7.

Topless Metro Escort

Unfortunately this post is not about a naked, city dwelling prostitute.  If you’re craving some originality for your MG MGB, look no further than Brooklands Car Components of Kitchener, Ontario.  Who wouldn’t want their classic British sports car to look like to look like an Escort from the rear and a Geo Metro from the front?

Ugly Mother-Tucker

The horrifying beast you see here is one man’s attempt at recreating a Tucker Torpedo from a boat-tail Riviera. It’s gained a bit of notoriety on the internet as the late owner’s nephew is trying to unload it on some poor sap via eBay. As of this writing, the listing is closed with the current bid being $16,350, which is probably about $16,000 to much.

Features include: front fenders that turn with the front wheels (a novel feature allowing you to drive in more than straight lines), three headlights, swiveling front seats for ease of exit, “vinyl leather” upholstery, and motorized roof panels that raise for ease of exit (in case you’re built like Robert Wadlow).

Driving Dead

Ah Britian. Land of crumpets, bonnets, al-loo-min-i-um, and defunct car brands. Lea-Francis is one of those brands, and like many of them it started at the turn of the 20th century, only to end midway through. That wasn’t the last the world saw of the brand though, as returned from the grave multiple times in a series of disastrous attempts to cling to the past.

Founded in 1895, they started producing cars in 1903 under license from Singer. In 1919, they started building cars of their own design, but still using mechanical pieces bought from other brands. By the 40s and 50s, they were building sporting cars that looked like a mix of equal parts Allard and MG T-Type Midget. Sales however gradually slowed. The brand needed a fresh reboot to stay afloat.

The reboot came in the form of the 1960 Lea-Francis Lynx. 3 prototypes were made, featuring some rather unique bodywork. Up front a huge, low set round grille dominated the front end. It’s bulbous sides tapered down at the rear, topped with bulky tail fins. If that wasn’t bad enough, the example they brought to the British Motor Show was this hideous dull-pink colour, brightened with gold trim. The public responded by buying absolutely none, and the company shut it's doors for good not long after.



Cue zombie Lea-Francis. Barrie Price – a fan who helped provide service and parts for remaining cars – bought the name and revived the brand by producing the strange looking, coffin shaped “Ace of Spades” in the early 90’s (that bizarre name was taken from the bizarrely named Lea-Francis model of the 1930s). The square-edged neo-classics were powered by Jaguar engines. Only a handful were built.



Yet, like a zombie taking a shotgun to the chest, the brand took the hit in stride and returned again to terrorize the automotive world. Resurrected in 1998 by James Randle in the height of the retro-revival brought on by the New Beetle and Jaguar S-Type, the new car was called the 30/230 and resembled a Z3 with S-Type bits grafted on. One prototype was built before the project was abandoned yet again. Only time will tell if James Randle delivered the head shot Lea-Francis needed to finally rest in peace.

Reboot

Well - it's been two years. That's a lot of time for ugly cars to go by, so I think I'll start posting again. Look for new posts soon!

For now I'll share this local, classy Vaginawagen.

Call 911

Somewhere, a Porsche 997 is missing it's taillights.

What the Hyundai Honda?

Presenting the 2013 Honda Accord sedan.  Although it's miles better looking than the current Accord, it also looks remarkably like a Hyundai. And not even current Hyundais, but the previous generation Sonata (up front) and pre-facelift Genesis (out back). In fact if the current Sonata were one of those "coupe sedans", the styling of this Accord could definitely fill in for the "regular" version.

2013 Mercedes-Benz SL

The 2013 Mercedes-Benz SL could have been a looker, if only they chose not to mount though hideous headlights, made that much worse because they're so gigantic.  I think it's mostly the fault of the blob-like light piping / LED section on the upper edge.  If that were a thin strip on the upper edge with quad circular reflectors below it would look infinitely better.  It's a shame as it's mechanical improvements and weight reduction most likely make it a better driving car.  Pictured here is the recently unveiled SL63 AMG.  Note that the revised lower fascia with larger, more aggressive air intakes are still overwhelmed by the brutal headlights sitting above them.

Here's my quick and dirty fix for the headlight units.  Overall I think they would look better as smaller more intergrated units.

Bentley EXP 9 F(ugly)

Are those satellite dishes or fog lamps?

Behold the Bentley EXP 9 F, the awkwardly named Bentley concept that foreshadows it's upcoming SUV. Not digging the headlights, or the little mini-grilles on their inside edge either. I think it would look much better to get rid of the grilles and move the headlights inward so it looks a bit more like the Mulsanne. And replace those fog lights/running lights with something that doesn't look like a Star Wars prop.

The side and rear end are much better, but there's still a few iffy areas.  The dash to front axle length looks really short which makes it look like a FWD based crossover.  Due to that has less of that long hood look of the sedans that implies a massive engine lies beneath.  And those wide rectangular tail lights make the rear end kinda look like an 80's Range Rover - upscale but not exactly current, and at odds with the rest of the truck.