Crossover Lowriders

Due to the recent popularity of shows such as "Pimp-My-Ride" (I think every car on that show qualifies to be on this site), it seems people are beginning to think they can turn anything into lowriders. Lowriders are on the line when it comes to fugliness in the first place. It's to the point when the type of car itself will push it into the realm of fugliness. These two cars are a sort of case-in-point.

Lowriders were born to be big, classic American cars. Rarely are cars made past 1980 made into low riders, mainly because they don't have the size and style to do so. Sports cars are also not meant to be lowriders.

A mid-80's Firebird doesn't not have the lines for a lowrider, and is a sports car. Sure - Firebirds of that period had like 100hp and can't really be called sporty, but nonetheless. Also - foreign car should not be made into lowriders. ESPECIALLY cheap ass ones from the 80's. Hence the Jetta. I mean, if you're going to spend thousands of dollars on modifying the car, you should at least spend more than $50 on the car itself.

These cars also have bad pearlescent paint, but that's another story. Pearlescent paint was meant for depth. The mica flecks in the Jetta's paint are so huge they look like someone coated the car in Elmer's glue and stuck glitter on it. It's turning paint into bling.

Stutz, Part 2 (When Bears Attack)

The last chapter of the Stutz story starts in 1984. Because of their huge success with limos in the Middle East, Stutz started into the luxury SUV trend more than a decade before most.

Stutz began selling a modified/armoured Chevy Suburban called the Defender (later renamed the Gazelle). Made mainly for military purposes, standard equipment included a machine gun.

The Bear was derived from this car (sans machine gun). In the gun's place was a convertible top, and a Rolls-like grille to stun the oncomers. 46 were made and sold to the Royal Guard of Saudi Arabi and the King Hassan of Morocco.

Stutz

Stutz - the king of the neoclassics. Arguably the best looking and best built of the neoclassics that were all the rage in the 70's. The quintessential "pimp ride". Because of it's from the factory pimpability, I will now refer to it solely as the "Slutz".

Slutz started out as a Virgil M. Exner design. Mr. Exner was a chief stylist at both GM and Chrysler, and penned such classics as the 300C through 300G, and the 1961 Chrysler Imperial. Unfortunetly he also had a passion for penning "revival cars". In other words, classic cars redesigns to modern times - like the neoclassic or current "retro" trend. The Slutz was one of these - Stutz being a classic but then defunct car company.

James D. O'Donnell was so smitten with the design he had a prototype built by Ghia in 1969. Production cars were produced in Cavallermaggiore, Italy. The first car was bought by none other than Elvis Presley, and subsequently had a relatively large celebrity following included owners such as Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Isaac Hayes, Lucille Ball, Robert Goulet, Evil Knievel, Elton John, Wayne Newton, Muhammed Ali and the Sultan of Brunei.

The first car was a coupe, the Slutz Bearcat, which was based on a Pontiac Grand Prix (which itself heralded back to a past era). Although it was updated when the Grand Prix was, the car basically looked similar with each new iteration. However as it aged it looked more awkward as it seemed more and more chrome was added. Another model called the Blackhawk was a convertable adaptation of this car.

The next car they were to produce was a sedan. The sedan was sold under various names, such as the Duplex, IV-Porte and Victoria. The Duplex was the first 4 door, but it's unsure if it made it past the prototype stage. The IV-Porte (4 window - get it?!?) started production in 1977 based on the Pontiac Bonneville (and later the Oldsmobile 88 Royal). In 1981 the sedan was stretched 10 inches and lost the side tailpipes (I think that's neoclassic heresy) and renamed the Victoria.

A mini-limo was introduced after this called the Diplomatica and was based on the Cadillac DeVille (judging by the windows, it was post 1978). This was not a stretch limo, but it was still huge. 7 were produced, and only one of which did NOT go to the Middle East.

The Royale was the super-Stutz. 2 Royale's were made, both of which went to the Middle East (the King of Saudi Arabia, and the President of Gabon). One of these was sent back as the owner didn't want to sit on leather - the rear seats were replaced with velour.

The very last Stutz (a Blackhawk) was made in 1995 (although it was believed to have been around since 1987), and sold on Ebay. Currently I have not been able to track down a value for the car.

Fiat MultiFug

Sure the Fiat Multipla is very space efficient. And has lots of window space. But what's with the front end that looks like 2 ugly cars stacked on top of each other? And the multi-shape taillights?

Citroen C6

I really hope CONCAVE rear windows really don't catch on. Yeah - it's a throwback to their past. But it's ugly AND expensive. And the taillights are just weird.

Fuggati

[comic-book-guy-voice] Worst Buggati replica ever! [/comic-book-guy-voice]

Attack of the Clones, Pt. 5

I'm starting to notice it's GM that's doing all the attacking....

When the new Impala debuted, I thought it was fugly. Well - boring, until you got to the massive taillights (at which point it turned fugly). GM claimed the 4 round tails recalled classic Impalas, although classic Impalas had 6 for most years (and they weren't the size of dinner plates).

However, over time is somehow grew on me, especially when they masked that acres of red plastic surrounding the tails with body colour skickers or plastic or whatever it is they used.

Then my friend mentioned something that sounded like heresy. He said the Impala looks like a Skyline. I instantly said he was on crack, until I took a second take. The front has similar lines, and very similar headlights to the G34 Skyline. Yeah - the Skyline is more aggresive, and it's grille is more rectangular than the Impalas, but they are similar. The sides of course differ as the Impala is a sedan, but they both have similar budges around the wheel wells (the Skylines are more pronounced). And finally the taillights. They're SO SIMILAR. The trunk cutlines are in different spots - but comparing the two side by side...

I wonder if this was on purpose? If so, why would GM style it's new generation of an American family sedan icon after a Japanese supercar icon? It doesn't make any sense...

Attack of the Clones, Pt. 4

I wouldn't call either fugly, but the Pontiac G6 convertible looks better IMO. Still, doesn't the G6 convertible (or coupe) look shocking similar to the Toyota Camry Solara convertible (or coupe) from the rear?

Chevrolet Upfugger

What an amazing transformation - replacing the Chevrolet Venture (top) with the ALL-NEW Chevrolet Uplander (bottom). I might also note the Uplander (and it's Pontiac/Buick/Saturn clones) is a "crossover" minivan that is not only a minivan but an SUV. Meaning it's a Venture that has 4 wheel drive and a "truck-like" front end. That truck like front end by the way makes the van look like it has a bigger nose than Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sidenote: I focussed on the Venture - I mean Uplander - because it's massive divided grille is by far the fugliest of the GM van clones.

Pontiac Aztek

First of all, the Aztek was a hideous show car. I have no idea who greenlighted the production version - they should be shot. Rarely do production versions look better than the concept. Also - who thought the Pontiac spear logo would make a good rim pattern? And even more amazing is that this car is still for sale, being the but of many jokes. Is it actually selling well? I wish the Aztek would make like the Aztecs and disappear already.

Like the Oldsmobile Bravada, this car suffers from a dual personality. Setting aside it's blatant fugliness, who would look at this car and see an SUV and not a minivan? It's not very hard to see this "SUV's" minivan routes. Like I made reference to with the Bravada, it's like a man that went in for a sex change operation, but still looks very much a man. And can pitch a tent at that.

Mercury Sable

If the new for '96 Taurus weren't controvertial enough with it oval treatment, the Sable with it's fish face had it worse off.

Lotus Europa

I'll start of by saying that every Lotus is an engineering marvel and handles better than most cars. Colin Chapman knew what he was doing and most all his cars set a bar higher in handling. Most of them were also beautiful. The Europa was fugly.

Strangely, the newer (and beautiful) Lotus Elise seemed to draw inspiration from the Europa's face. I say this is strange as why would they want to remind people they sold a sports car that looked like a milk van. I have no idea why they ended up making the car look like this - it's like they started at the front and got "designer's block" and drew a box at the end. Also - the side windows curve down strangely, making it look like a badly made kit car.

1971-73 Marco Mantis

One of many British sportcars from the 70's that suffered from fuglyness. From it's rectangular headlamps to it's weirdly shapped 3/4 windows. Also not how the front of the car's wedge shape seems to meet the windshield at a high point the curve of the sideglass and rear.

Maybach Exellero

Easily one of the fugliest concepts this year, this car is ungainly from any view. Huge front overhang - well, huge in general. It looks like it should be a sedan - it's doors look too small. And that grille... It's like a neoclassic Batmobile. An added touch are the recycled SLR rims that don't fit the look of the car at all.

Rollswagen Fug

The second post of car's I've personally taken pictures of. This of a Rolls Royce - Volkswagen bastard child.