Volkswagen Passé

The new for 2012 VW Passat also follows Volkswagen’s new North American strategy of offering more for less. While the Jetta is basically them same car they get overseas (with a much worse interior), the Americanized Passat is an entirely different beast. While they get a reworked version of the current Passat, we get a completely new supersize version - presumably for our supersized, McDonald’s feed American (and Canadian) asses.



While the interior doesn’t suffer the same air of cheapness of the Jetta, the exterior does share a family resemblance. And in doing so, this is a very generic looking car. It’s not hideous, but there aren’t many positive adjectives that can be used to describe it either. From it’s vaguely Accord looking face to it’s vaguely Chevrolet Impala looking greenhouse, the look comes off as inoffensive (and a bit dated) looking clone hoping to gain sales by looking enough like the big sellers. Plus they might be trying to morph this apple strudel into looking enough like an apple pie to warm over some of the more jaded buyers that tend to only buy American.



Still though, it’s classy in a very retrained way and far from fugly. Had the 2008 Accord looked like this when it debuted instead of having it’s quasi-Bangle-butt, it would have been commended.

Volkslaggin'

Volkswagen has a new strategy for North America, a strategy it hopes will generate eine Eimer of new sales. Previously known for quality German automobiles for the masses (yet at a slightly higher cost than the typical American and Japanese car), they’ve now taken a very “American” supersized McDonald value meal approach – offering more car for less money (and less substance).

At the same time, they seem to have adopted a Japanese sense of automotive styling, as their new exteriors have a Camry-like absence of style.


The first result of this was the new for 2011 Volkswagen Jetta. While not extensively larger than the last model, the Americanized version was treated to a bargain basement price with matching bargain basement interior trim. While the European version got the high-lux interior we’re accustomed to, American versions are trimmed in hard plastics not befitting of a Chevy Cobalt. Perhaps most embarrassingly, the VW Golf has a much higher level of quality inside, given that it was released prior to VW’s new strategy.


Its new exterior curves are inoffensive, but also unremarkable. It's far from fugly, but from a distance it blends into it’s surroundings as if it has active camouflage. It’s only saving grace are some interesting details when seen up close, like the beautiful Audi-like detailing of a the tail lights. Is the new look worse than the chrome plastered faux Audi (faudi?) mug of the previous generation? In my opinion it fares better, but it’s definitely not a knockout.

If there’s a silver lining to this dark cloud, it’s that the Volkwagen’s driving dynamics remain German. The cars suspenders are still able to pull off some fancy moves, but unfortunately it may take more effort to achieve them now that the 2.slow returns as the base engine in the Jetta lineup.


Ironically, this new way of thinking comes just as everyone else has kicked it up a notch. Ford and Chevy both raise the bar with fancy-pants interiors, aggressive exteriors, and higher price tags. The new Hyundai Elantra even manages to eclipse them in many ways with it’s luxurious interior duds and swoopy curves, while managing a price LOWER than last year’s model. It seems everyone else is realizing that smaller cars are the future and that people just might be willing to spend a bit more on them for something they might drive every day...

Denim Destruction

Lapo Elkann is the grandson of the late Fiat chairman Gianni Agnelli. So it’s safe to say he has money, and possible connections to Ferrari. And little taste. Channeling AMC, Ferrari created this demin lined Ferrari 599 for him, with matching two-tone matte blue paint. I'm usually a fan of matte paint, but this colour makes it look as if it's made of Play Doh. And using Denim for anything other than clothes was a bad idea 40 years ago.

Omega Romeo

Smart ForTwo + Alfa Romeo x (Bad Taste + Too Much Time) = This.

Bittersweet

The return of Bitter cars in 2007 – a series of German sports/luxury coupes and sedans made in the 70’s and 80’s – was bittersweet. It was sweet because a brand I liked was returning, but bitter because the new car called the Vero was a warmed over Holden Caprice that was beaten with an ugly stick. Actually, reviving a brand to destroy it isn’t very sweet, come to think of it. Bittersour might be more appropriate.

Toyota MR-2 Mustake

Usually when you’re provided a cheap mid-engine car and you have delusions of grandeur, you turn it into same slightly odd-looking Ferrari or Lamborghini. So I’m sure what to call the disorder that would cause you to turn your Toyota MR-2 into an imitation Mustang – a car that isn’t exactly the hardest to come by. Reverse Redneckism?

OK – these are trying to look like Shelby Mustangs, which are rarer and more expensive that your run-of-the-mill Mustang. But wouldn’t it be easier to by an ACTUAL Mustang and make it look like a Shelby? You can probably buy one for the same price as an MR2, and it wouldn’t look like an abomination.