A blog devoted to RANTS ON AUTOMOTIVE DESIGN, car reviews, and - above all - fugly autos. whether looking for vehicular plagiarism or rides of extreme tastelessness, you've come to the right place.


Sunday, September 11, 2005

2005 Pontiac Grand Am

You might have heard some car companies exclaim that their "beauty is in the details". At Pontiac, the fugliness is in the details. A good example of this is the Pontiac Grand Am. It’s full of lame attempts to convey sportiness.

For example:


The "Ram-Air" hood scoops are blocked with honeycomb patterned black plastic. It’s so bad you can even see it in the press photos on their website (although possibly not in this shrunken down version).

Little aircraft-like wings and "speed swipes" are everywhere. Note the winglets on the rear spoiler.


"Speed Swipes" on the rims to convey motion. Chrome rims up the tacky factor.


Also, note the typical craptastic Pontiac interior. Large round vents, cheap plastics with bad textures, odd organic forms and eerie "Satan Orange" backlit gauges and buttons. But what makes the Grand Am interior unique is the gigantic pods housing the speedometer and tach. I think they’re supposed to look like jet engine afterburners or something. But it looks more like Dolly Parton’s bra.

Factory Rice



Dodge has now officially entered the realm of straight-from-the-factory "rice" enhancements, with non-other than the Status sedan. Yeah - I know. Weird.

It seems the 2005 R/T package on the Stratus sedan is now a lame attempt at making the car look like it belongs in the import scene, which is all that much more odd since it's basically an auto-only mid-size domestic family sedan.

It must stem from the SRT4, an extremely capable and impressive version of the Neon. Besides the Neon - which, because of it's compact size competes with those "ricer" imports - all other SRT badged Dodge vehicles are impressive and powerful cars (and trucks), but with an American feel. For example, "Got a Hemi?" It's all a throw back to the time when American cars were cheap and fast, and it's starting to happen all over again.

But the R/T Stratus is none of this. I suppose all the rest of Dodge's R/T products are relatively mildly enhanced versions of current products with more luxurious interiors, and stiffer suspension. But why the Stratus is decked out in a "ricer" wannabe spoiler and bodykit, I don't know.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Saab - the Downward Spiral

Poor Saab. GM has taken hold and is strangling the life out of the brand in a lame attempt to make it more popular. In doing so, they’ve estranged the long time fans of the brand and getting rid of its uniqueness.

At first it seemed like a good deal. Saab hadn’t had a new version of it’s 900 model in 15 years, and was drowning in red ink. GM came to the rescue with the new for 1994 900 that kept many of it’s unique traits in a nice looking package. But the GM fingers were still in the mix. The first model out was the 4 (technically 5) door hatch, with the coupe and convertible coming a year later. The lineup featured the familiar turbo and non-turbo 4 cylinders, but GM added a V6 to the lineup. The V6 wasn’t well received due to it’s low output (lower than the turbo 4) and sketchy reliability and was finally dropped in 1998, just before the 900 morphed into the 9-3. The cars remained essentially the same as the 9-3 with only a revised look, mechanical improvements and more power. The Viggen was introduced as a sports car model with wads of horsepower (225hp), but also wads of torque steer.

Around the same time the 9-3 was introduced, the 9-5 was introduced to replace the 9000. This car had a large deal of GM intervention, and was looked at with wary eyes from Saab fans. After all - it was based on a GM chassis and no longer had a hatch. But at least it was attractive and looked very much a Saab. In addition to a turbo 4, a turbo 6 was available, and was relatively well received this time around.

After this comes the redesigned 9-3. And while it’s attractive and very Saab-like, gone are the coupe, and the hatch. Only a sedan carries on the Saab lineage, which was later joined by a convertible (and a wagon that’s on it’s way).

Now things get scarey. GM wants to fill out the lineup as cheapy as possible. Mainly, the reason for all this is those freaking SUVs. Everyone seems to need one nowadays, or at least some model with four wheel drive.

First of all though, the GM beancounters think that they need a smaller car under the 9-3 to attract younger buyers. Makes sense. I would love to own a smaller, cheaper Saab. But shucks - GM has no money! What to do… Badge engineering! It’s "worked" in the past for GM. And it "works" now - just look at the Trailblazer/Envoy/Bravada/Rainier, and the Terazza/SV6/Uplander/Relay. But who to rebadge? GM doesn’t have many good small cars. I don’t think they can rebadge a Cavalier and get away with it (again - remember the Cimarron?).


But wait - they own 50% of Subaru. And Subarus all have 4WD! And they have a good, reliable turbo 4! And a hatch (well - a wagon)! Bonus! The end product - the 9-2X. I have to say that it actually is a nice looking car, if you get past the fact that from the A pillar back it looks very similar to the Impreza on which it’s based. This is what the Impreza should have always looked like… (Wait a minute - look at the new face lifted Impreza. Very 9-2X like.) The sad thing though is that although it has Saab traits, it’s only because Subaru is Saab-like in that it makes quirky turbo cars. And although the engine is a turbo 4, it’s not a Saab engine but the Subaru boxer 4. In the end, the 9-2X was well received by the automotive press - as the Impreza was and is - but hasn’t sold well. Rumor is that the poor Saabaru (as the press has dubbed it) will be axed. If it makes it through alive, it will possibly be redesigned with the Impreza is in 2009. Oh - and this Saab is built in Japan. Very Swedish.

OK, so that was strike 1. But according to GM Saab still needs a fuller lineup. What next? An SUV of course! Because SUVs are so deep routed in Saab history (now THAT'S sarcasm). But what to badge engineer. Well crap - GM only has one SUV is it’s vast empire that fits into the size needed for an upscale SUV (the Tahoe/Suburban is a tad too large). So the Trailblazer it is, and out comes the 9-7X. The 9-7X irks me. It’s soooooo un-Saab. Besides that, the Trailblazer as an upmarket European SUV seems so wrong, but that’s what they’re attempting. It even looks bad. Like the Cimarron. You know what they say - you can shine up a piece of crap, but it’s still a piece of crap. And worse yet, it uses the same hardware. And a very un-Saab selection of V6 and V8 truck engines. That being said, they did a good job of banning the typically hideous GM truck dash for an elegant Saab design. Oh - and this Saab is built in Ohio. As Swedish as apple pie and baseball.



The last fug to hit Saab is the 9-5 redesign. I had heard of rumors of the new 9-5, and I had like the original a lot so I was looking forward to what the new clean sheet design would look like. However, was unveiled was a strange looking sedan on recycled paper.

To explain the origins of this hideous beast, we must look to previous Saab concept cars. In particular the 9X and the 9-3X from 2003. This is Saab/GM’s attempt at bring the concept to production, via an ill-fated attempt at facelifting it's aging figurehead sedan. Not explained is why the headlights evolved to have strange rounded edges that ruin the look of the concept's. Or why they stole the fog light design from the Audi A3. Or why they decided to cheap out and keep part of the taillights (and the rear fenders) from the old design, but change the pieces of taillight on the trunk lids to make a strange and hideous design with an Audi-like kickup. That being said - there’s inexplicably a lot of Audi in this design. And there are no ties to Audi at Saab, so that’s some type of auto design plagiarism.

VolksBling

There was a time when Volkswagens were no-nonesense German transportation for the masses. And I’m not talking decades ago either.

In the last generation Passat and the facelift of the last generation Jetta, there was a frightening change in the styling. Chrome. Yes - they started sprucing up their models by not-so-liberally slapping chrome everywhere they could. It’s most obvious in the Jetta, as it was basically the same car with chrome bands added to the bumpers, bump strips on the doors and the grille (the Passat had a facelift along with the chromification so it wasn't as obvious or lame). Refer to the top pic for the Jetta chromification. I was frightened things would get worse, and the classic looks of Volkswagens would be ruined forever under a sea of 1950-70’s era chrome appendages that plagued American cars.



I did get worse, but in another way as well.

Slightly evident in their last generations, Volkswagens were moving upscale into a "mini-Audi" realm. The Jetta had much more content and luxury than previous generations, and the last gen Passat actually used a stretched Audi A4 platform. And of course their prices were rising too. However, now they even LOOK like Audis. Chrome slathered Audis.



It started in the new Jetta. Well - technically in the new Golf GTI that hasn’t come over yet. It’s that damn Audi "horse collar" grille. Except on Audi’s it most often looks good, and on Volkswagens it looks out of place, particularly on the Jetta/Golf. Like it was stuck on as an afterthought. The Jetta is worse off than the Golf (in fact, the basic Golfs have no Audi-grille at all). The Jetta is mainly built for North America, and it seems that therefore it must have tons of chrome. Mainly in the form of the Audi-takeoff grille and the tacky clear lense taillights. The GTI/GLI is possibly even worse off, as it grille shape is accentuated by black paint that just looks cheap.



While overall the look of the Jetta isn’t bad, it doesn't seem to look like a Volkswagen to me. It looks Japanese. The whole body save the front end looks almost like a Toyota Corolla. And those clear-lense taillights look needlessly elaborate (but then I suppose the whole car exterior is needlessly elaborate). That taillight trend started with the Toyota Altezza and in my opinion should have died a long time ago.

The new Passat looks a bit more cohesive, but at the same time looks all that much more like an Audi. In particular, the A6.



I guess all this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but what ever happened to the time when a brand had it’s own identity and style, instead of stealing someone else glory (even if it is a sister company)?

Downsizing Buick



In a shocking act of de-fugging, Buick (or should I say GM) is killing off two of it’s siblings. Actually - you might not have been aware there were two. The Rainier and Rendezvous look so similar you might have thought they were the same car.

Strangely though, Buick is keeping the Terraza "crossover" minivan. Cause you know - when I think American luxury I picture a minivan. Not only that, it no longer has a car that even resembles an SUV (well - Terraza looks like a Minivan pretending to be an SUV), which is strange given their popularity in this day of high gas prices.

The Rainier is a clone of the Chevy Trailblazer, GMC Envoy and the Saab 9-7X (and the also dead Oldsmobile Bravada). The Rendezvous is based on a modified platform that is used by the Terazza/SV6/Uplander/Relay, and is shared with the Aztec and Vue.

For those of you unfamiliar with the above: the Rainier is on top, followed by the Rendezvous with the Terraza last.

Updates...


I'm not sure how to add a banner to the top of the site, so bear with me. I'm going to attempt to post it as an image here, and then upload it up top...

Wohoo! It worked! I took the time to try to learn some of this code too and editted some stuff to match. Now I'll have to go and edit the categories. Hope you like the new look.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Toronado from the Land of Oz


In the sequel to the "Wizard of Oz", Dorothy attempts to create a movable car based home to prevent it from being sucked up again. Car of choice? Oldsmobile Toronado of course.

Those beasts were front wheel drive too. With all THAT to haul around, the front tires were probably permanently burning rubber.

Worst Prowler Ever


Behold - the Lonestar Growler. Innovative name! Sadly, it looks very much like the half Jeep test mules Chrysler made up back in the day to test out the mechanicals but keep the paparazzi confused as to the final styling.

On the guessing theme, is this made out of a BMW Z3 or a Miata?

Lamest Hummer Ever


This super-obvious Jeep YJ to "Hummer" conversion must fool everyone who sees it, it's so well done. I especially like how the very wide Hummer's looks are squashed into the front of the Jeep.

1957-1965 DKW 1000Sp - Thundering Ripoff


Auto Union was a well-established German car manufacturer before World War II with marques like Horch, Audi and DKW. Think German GM. The War changed all that when most of the Auto Union factories were destroyed. Still Auto Union managed to survive, but only one of the old Auto Union marques was revived: DKW - the brand for the masses (motorcycles and affordable lower middle class cars). Audi obviously came back from the brink as well - to be Auto Union's only surviving member.

As Germany struggled to get the economy up and going again, much effort was taken to bring Western Germany back to the top of industrialization. The economy and industry of the United States formed the example of which to strive for. US American design of the 1950s was transmitted by music and movies into Western Europe and was regarded as an icon for financial success, especially in Western-Germany which was still in search of a new identity (as the one that was just destroyed obviously did not want to be remembered).

Auto Union, like many car companies post war, found restarting to be hard. This left little room for developing new models and technology so post-war DKW cars were quite similar in construction and design to the pre-war models. In order to survive DKW needed something that at least appeared up to date. To revive the brand image a fresh looking, attractive and youthful car was developed: the 1000Sp.

The 1000Sp basically adobted US American space age style complete with tailfins but downsized to European proportions. To be more specific, they stole the look of the 1957 Ford Thunderbird. Underneath the dazzle lied Trabant-esque 2-stroke technology. It's not fugly in itself, but the idea behind it - a kind of automotive plagarism - is.