Missfire

This unfortunate Crossfire looks like a Transformer stuck halfway to becoming an Audi A7.

Fauxdi S4

Can't afford a new S4? Just spend bundles of money making an old Holden Commodore look like one. So what if the greenhouse doesn't look the same at all...

Audi A3: Flaming Tremors Worm Edition

Wow - this has it all. Ugly chrome dubs, pearlescent paint, and an airbrushed flaming checkered flag. Unfortunately the front end resembles one of the worms from Tremors choking on an intercooler.

A8 + R8 = H8

I feel like my title needs a little explanation. That's supposed to be H8 as in h-eight (hate), the feeling which I have for this unholy combination of A8 and R8, two of the better looking cars in their respective genres. At least it doesn't have the sideblades.

R-Hate

A couple weeks ago this Audi R8 popped up near Nürburgring, and the internet went atwitter with people hypothesizing that this is a special edition R8 mockup, out in about in a strange camo tape job and relocated exhaust. However, given that the tape job doesn't really hide anything, I'm thinking this is just a case of "money doesn't buy class". Looks to me like the world's most unattractive vinyl job, and a case of buying a less restrictive exhaust setup without paying for fixing the bodywork to remove the old exhaust ports. Here's to hoping Audi will prove me wrong.

Attack of the Clones: Renault ArEight

The Renault DeZir concept is meant to show a new design language for Renault. Apparently that design language is very similar to the one that spawned the Audi R8.

LittleBigPlanet?

This poor Audi better be nothing more than a Coupe GT, although no Coupe GT even deserves this treatment. It kinda looks like something resembling a car a kid might have made out of an old shoe box. Or possibly a real-life, life-size version of the cardboard cars from LittleBigPlanet.

Audi Q5 Custom Concept

Last year Audi decided to create some extra hoopla around it's then new Audi Q5 by creating a "custom concept". Apparently the customizing went as far as painting random bits of a stock grey Q5 bright red, adding red bars of light under the roof rails and slapping some hideous graphics on the side. Way to turn a very attractive SUV into an embarrassment in 3 easy steps.

Attack of the Clones: Aupel V8

Similar greenhouses, bump strips, BBS rims and turn signal placement give the Audi V8 and Opel Senator very similar looks. Slap 4 rings on the Opel and you could fool most people. Not sure who exactly ripped off who, since the Senator actually came out a year earlier and the greenhouse does look similar to the previous generation. But Audi pretty much had it's look set at that point in other models, so I'm going to say it was Opel that was the ripper.

Audi-scious

Not really sure what this is, so I can't really label it as anything. Not up on my European commercial vans. I'm sure it's a Fiat or something French. Whatever it is, it's not an Audi no matter how hard it tries. Also, it seems the Audi injections fave some unfortunate side effects, resulting in multiple headlights and door mirrors.

Audi R"Ain't"

Going to tackle a couple here. Above is a poor yet hideous rendition of the R8 in TT form. Below is a just plain sad attempt to replicate the look on a Mitsubishi Eclipse.

Audi Shooting Brake, Lector Edition

Speaking of Hannibal Lector, Audi will be introducing the next TT at the Tokyo Auto Show. It appears that - in honour of the show's closeness to Halloween - they've morphed the Audi grille into a take on Hannibal Lector's infamous mask.


Speaking of the new TT (the concept is officially called the Shooting Brake - which is weird as that's basically a British term for sporting station wagon), although it's more sleek it also looks more stale and boring - like an A3. Doesn't have the impact of the original. That and the rear looks like an old meld of original TT and Volvo SCC Concept.

Saab - the Downward Spiral

Poor Saab. GM has taken hold and is strangling the life out of the brand in a lame attempt to make it more popular. In doing so, they’ve estranged the long time fans of the brand and getting rid of its uniqueness.

At first it seemed like a good deal. Saab hadn’t had a new version of it’s 900 model in 15 years, and was drowning in red ink. GM came to the rescue with the new for 1994 900 that kept many of it’s unique traits in a nice looking package. But the GM fingers were still in the mix. The first model out was the 4 (technically 5) door hatch, with the coupe and convertible coming a year later. The lineup featured the familiar turbo and non-turbo 4 cylinders, but GM added a V6 to the lineup. The V6 wasn’t well received due to it’s low output (lower than the turbo 4) and sketchy reliability and was finally dropped in 1998, just before the 900 morphed into the 9-3. The cars remained essentially the same as the 9-3 with only a revised look, mechanical improvements and more power. The Viggen was introduced as a sports car model with wads of horsepower (225hp), but also wads of torque steer.

Around the same time the 9-3 was introduced, the 9-5 was introduced to replace the 9000. This car had a large deal of GM intervention, and was looked at with wary eyes from Saab fans. After all - it was based on a GM chassis and no longer had a hatch. But at least it was attractive and looked very much a Saab. In addition to a turbo 4, a turbo 6 was available, and was relatively well received this time around.

After this comes the redesigned 9-3. And while it’s attractive and very Saab-like, gone are the coupe, and the hatch. Only a sedan carries on the Saab lineage, which was later joined by a convertible (and a wagon that’s on it’s way).

Now things get scarey. GM wants to fill out the lineup as cheapy as possible. Mainly, the reason for all this is those freaking SUVs. Everyone seems to need one nowadays, or at least some model with four wheel drive.

First of all though, the GM beancounters think that they need a smaller car under the 9-3 to attract younger buyers. Makes sense. I would love to own a smaller, cheaper Saab. But shucks - GM has no money! What to do… Badge engineering! It’s "worked" in the past for GM. And it "works" now - just look at the Trailblazer/Envoy/Bravada/Rainier, and the Terazza/SV6/Uplander/Relay. But who to rebadge? GM doesn’t have many good small cars. I don’t think they can rebadge a Cavalier and get away with it (again - remember the Cimarron?).


But wait - they own 50% of Subaru. And Subarus all have 4WD! And they have a good, reliable turbo 4! And a hatch (well - a wagon)! Bonus! The end product - the 9-2X. I have to say that it actually is a nice looking car, if you get past the fact that from the A pillar back it looks very similar to the Impreza on which it’s based. This is what the Impreza should have always looked like… (Wait a minute - look at the new face lifted Impreza. Very 9-2X like.) The sad thing though is that although it has Saab traits, it’s only because Subaru is Saab-like in that it makes quirky turbo cars. And although the engine is a turbo 4, it’s not a Saab engine but the Subaru boxer 4. In the end, the 9-2X was well received by the automotive press - as the Impreza was and is - but hasn’t sold well. Rumor is that the poor Saabaru (as the press has dubbed it) will be axed. If it makes it through alive, it will possibly be redesigned with the Impreza is in 2009. Oh - and this Saab is built in Japan. Very Swedish.

OK, so that was strike 1. But according to GM Saab still needs a fuller lineup. What next? An SUV of course! Because SUVs are so deep routed in Saab history (now THAT'S sarcasm). But what to badge engineer. Well crap - GM only has one SUV is it’s vast empire that fits into the size needed for an upscale SUV (the Tahoe/Suburban is a tad too large). So the Trailblazer it is, and out comes the 9-7X. The 9-7X irks me. It’s soooooo un-Saab. Besides that, the Trailblazer as an upmarket European SUV seems so wrong, but that’s what they’re attempting. It even looks bad. Like the Cimarron. You know what they say - you can shine up a piece of crap, but it’s still a piece of crap. And worse yet, it uses the same hardware. And a very un-Saab selection of V6 and V8 truck engines. That being said, they did a good job of banning the typically hideous GM truck dash for an elegant Saab design. Oh - and this Saab is built in Ohio. As Swedish as apple pie and baseball.



The last fug to hit Saab is the 9-5 redesign. I had heard of rumors of the new 9-5, and I had like the original a lot so I was looking forward to what the new clean sheet design would look like. However, was unveiled was a strange looking sedan on recycled paper.

To explain the origins of this hideous beast, we must look to previous Saab concept cars. In particular the 9X and the 9-3X from 2003. This is Saab/GM’s attempt at bring the concept to production, via an ill-fated attempt at facelifting it's aging figurehead sedan. Not explained is why the headlights evolved to have strange rounded edges that ruin the look of the concept's. Or why they stole the fog light design from the Audi A3. Or why they decided to cheap out and keep part of the taillights (and the rear fenders) from the old design, but change the pieces of taillight on the trunk lids to make a strange and hideous design with an Audi-like kickup. That being said - there’s inexplicably a lot of Audi in this design. And there are no ties to Audi at Saab, so that’s some type of auto design plagiarism.

VolksBling

There was a time when Volkswagens were no-nonesense German transportation for the masses. And I’m not talking decades ago either.

In the last generation Passat and the facelift of the last generation Jetta, there was a frightening change in the styling. Chrome. Yes - they started sprucing up their models by not-so-liberally slapping chrome everywhere they could. It’s most obvious in the Jetta, as it was basically the same car with chrome bands added to the bumpers, bump strips on the doors and the grille (the Passat had a facelift along with the chromification so it wasn't as obvious or lame). Refer to the top pic for the Jetta chromification. I was frightened things would get worse, and the classic looks of Volkswagens would be ruined forever under a sea of 1950-70’s era chrome appendages that plagued American cars.

I did get worse, but in another way as well.

Slightly evident in their last generations, Volkswagens were moving upscale into a "mini-Audi" realm. The Jetta had much more content and luxury than previous generations, and the last gen Passat actually used a stretched Audi A4 platform. And of course their prices were rising too. However, now they even LOOK like Audis. Chrome slathered Audis.

It started in the new Jetta. Well - technically in the new Golf GTI that hasn’t come over yet. It’s that damn Audi "horse collar" grille. Except on Audi’s it most often looks good, and on Volkswagens it looks out of place, particularly on the Jetta/Golf. Like it was stuck on as an afterthought. The Jetta is worse off than the Golf (in fact, the basic Golfs have no Audi-grille at all). The Jetta is mainly built for North America, and it seems that therefore it must have tons of chrome. Mainly in the form of the Audi-takeoff grille and the tacky clear lense taillights. The GTI/GLI is possibly even worse off, as it grille shape is accentuated by black paint that just looks cheap.

While overall the look of the Jetta isn’t bad, it doesn't seem to look like a Volkswagen to me. It looks Japanese. The whole body save the front end looks almost like a Toyota Corolla. And those clear-lense taillights look needlessly elaborate (but then I suppose the whole car exterior is needlessly elaborate). That taillight trend started with the Toyota Altezza and in my opinion should have died a long time ago.

The new Passat looks a bit more cohesive, but at the same time looks all that much more like an Audi. In particular, the A6.

I guess all this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but what ever happened to the time when a brand had it’s own identity and style, instead of stealing someone else glory (even if it is a sister company)?

Fugli Rosemeyer

I understand the historical significance of Audi racecars. But this concept is a "case-in-point" about why retro is not necessarily a good thing.

Those old polished aluminum racers looked cool, and of course had their signature grille flanking the front. However, the grille looked good as the car was basically tube shaped and the grille took up the whole front of the car. On the Rosemeyer, it's stuck in the centre looking small and useless. And fugly. It looks like it sucked a lemon. And it doesn't help that the headlights arc down toward the edge of the body, making the car look sad to be alive. This concept really could have been much, much better. I mean - look at the Audi Avus.