Reboot

Well - it's been two years. That's a lot of time for ugly cars to go by, so I think I'll start posting again. Look for new posts soon!

For now I'll share this local, classy Vaginawagen.

Angry Golf is Angry

This Golf looks like a caricature of itself.  In fact, it kind of looks like the angry face emoticon.  Also, this is the reason people don't use Chrysler Sebrings as parts cars for boy racer customization... 

Das Blotto

What is it with people thinking their VWs look even remotely like BMWs?  PS: Nice hubcaps.

Volkswagen Passé

The new for 2012 VW Passat also follows Volkswagen’s new North American strategy of offering more for less. While the Jetta is basically them same car they get overseas (with a much worse interior), the Americanized Passat is an entirely different beast. While they get a reworked version of the current Passat, we get a completely new supersize version - presumably for our supersized, McDonald’s feed American (and Canadian) asses.



While the interior doesn’t suffer the same air of cheapness of the Jetta, the exterior does share a family resemblance. And in doing so, this is a very generic looking car. It’s not hideous, but there aren’t many positive adjectives that can be used to describe it either. From it’s vaguely Accord looking face to it’s vaguely Chevrolet Impala looking greenhouse, the look comes off as inoffensive (and a bit dated) looking clone hoping to gain sales by looking enough like the big sellers. Plus they might be trying to morph this apple strudel into looking enough like an apple pie to warm over some of the more jaded buyers that tend to only buy American.



Still though, it’s classy in a very retrained way and far from fugly. Had the 2008 Accord looked like this when it debuted instead of having it’s quasi-Bangle-butt, it would have been commended.

Volkslaggin'

Volkswagen has a new strategy for North America, a strategy it hopes will generate eine Eimer of new sales. Previously known for quality German automobiles for the masses (yet at a slightly higher cost than the typical American and Japanese car), they’ve now taken a very “American” supersized McDonald value meal approach – offering more car for less money (and less substance).

At the same time, they seem to have adopted a Japanese sense of automotive styling, as their new exteriors have a Camry-like absence of style.


The first result of this was the new for 2011 Volkswagen Jetta. While not extensively larger than the last model, the Americanized version was treated to a bargain basement price with matching bargain basement interior trim. While the European version got the high-lux interior we’re accustomed to, American versions are trimmed in hard plastics not befitting of a Chevy Cobalt. Perhaps most embarrassingly, the VW Golf has a much higher level of quality inside, given that it was released prior to VW’s new strategy.


Its new exterior curves are inoffensive, but also unremarkable. It's far from fugly, but from a distance it blends into it’s surroundings as if it has active camouflage. It’s only saving grace are some interesting details when seen up close, like the beautiful Audi-like detailing of a the tail lights. Is the new look worse than the chrome plastered faux Audi (faudi?) mug of the previous generation? In my opinion it fares better, but it’s definitely not a knockout.

If there’s a silver lining to this dark cloud, it’s that the Volkwagen’s driving dynamics remain German. The cars suspenders are still able to pull off some fancy moves, but unfortunately it may take more effort to achieve them now that the 2.slow returns as the base engine in the Jetta lineup.


Ironically, this new way of thinking comes just as everyone else has kicked it up a notch. Ford and Chevy both raise the bar with fancy-pants interiors, aggressive exteriors, and higher price tags. The new Hyundai Elantra even manages to eclipse them in many ways with it’s luxurious interior duds and swoopy curves, while managing a price LOWER than last year’s model. It seems everyone else is realizing that smaller cars are the future and that people just might be willing to spend a bit more on them for something they might drive every day...

Luigi Colani Strikes Again

The 1977 Volkswagon prototype by Luigi Colani. I suppose this was the early days of aerodynamic design for everday cars (Citreon DS and Chrysler Airflow notwithstanding), so it could be considered groundbreaking, but you really have to wonder about some of the details. Is the a button in the interior that extrudes Playdo from the front grille? Why does the steering wheel look like it's going to bite me? Also, those seats look like a little too much like female anatomy for comfort.

BMVW

If the BMW kidney grilles are held in by zip ties, it's a sure sign that you're looking at the real deal.

Irradiated

It may be hard to believe, but the VW Kombi T2 is still soldiering on in Brazil. That's right - you can still buy a brand new 1967 VW. Sort of. In 2006, Brazil initiated new emission requirements, spelling the end of the traditional air cooled Beetle engine powering the Kombi. A replacement water-cooled engine was issued, and with it came a huge black plastic grille stuck on the front of the van to provide cooling for the radiator. It's just about as subtle and ungainly as Amy Winehouse's beehive. Hope that reference isn't expired. Speaking of expired, is Winehouse even still alive?
Sadly, even Kombi's days are numbered. Upcoming Brazilian legislation requiring manditory ABS and airbags make 2012 the last year for Kombi production.

The Beetle based VW Karmann Ghia is one of my favourite designs of the Fifties. However, this coupe that debuted in 1961 shared that designation - but not it's good looks. Called the Type 34 Karmann Ghia, it was based off VW's new Type 3/1500/1600/Notchback/Squareback platform, and looked a bit like the love child of a Renault 8 Gordini and a Chevy Corvair. The source of my discontent mainly focuses around the front end treatment with it's furrowed brow. The car looks permanently angry and confused. With it's tiny greenhouse and long hood and trunk, I also find it looks a bit out of proportion.

J Mays - Retro Recycling

So they don't look exactly like each other, but I find the VW New Beetle and the last Ford Thunderbird share quite a few similarities. Enough so that you can tell the same hand was behind the look of both of them. Which is strange for two vehicles from completely different companies.

Jaguar V-Type

I'm not sure yet whether V-Type standards for Volkswagen or Vagina. I hope someone rammed it with that cart.

So fugly it's sad...

I'm not sure what this car is, but it sure needs a hug. Or some Valium.

Mischeivous Fug

That car is up to something - I know it. You can tell by the squinty eyes.

What exactly is this car anyway? At first I assumed Clio V6, but the greenhouse is all wrong. Golf?

Attack of the Clones: Volkzuki Kizetta

Shortly after the Kizashi debuted looking very Jetta-ish, VW bought 20% of Suzuki. Hmmm....

Hippy Mobile

A 1967 Fiberfab VW Avenger (GT40) kit car. Not only does it not look like a GT40, it's also very hippy. What's with the budonkadonk? Looks like a chipmunk with it's mouth full.

Jettillac

This is the worst piece of automotive disaster I have seen in a long time. I'm not too huge of a fan of the Cadillac CTS in the first place, but especially not when skinned and stuck on the front of a Jetta. Ironically, I just watched "The Silence of the Lambs" yesterday, and this hack job reminds me of that scene where Lector cuts off that guys face and wears it for a bit to fool the police. This Jetta owner is possibly also trying to fool the police, and the results are equally horrifying.

Not content to simply combine two completely clashing car designs, extras were added - like those little things above the headlights. Are they laser guided? Maybe there's hidden guns for drive-bys...

Other touches include X-treme panel gap above the Cadillac grille, and front bumpers that point to the ground. Also note the VW logo in Cadillac wreath. Bottom pic is the car at it's best, with wider rims to fill out the wide-body bodywork.

Volkswagen New 959

Almost had me fooled there for a second! I thought I was looking at a Porsche 959, but in fact it's a cleverly disguised Volkswagen New Beetle. Who'd a thunk it??

It's a kit from a company apparently called "Duopower", and is apparently is classed as a kit car although it's clearly just a bodykit with really expensive Porsche 993 headlights.

VW Camaro Replica

One of the most bizarre replicas I have seen, this VW based kit replicates a truly rare American car – the Camaro. Of course I’m being sacastic. Who bought this new? Who was the target market - hicks with no money to buy a Camaro and too much time on their hands? Who would buy it used? Why on earth would you buy a bad VW based Camaro when you could buy a bad Camaro based Camaro?

Another question is exactly who made it. I’m not posting the ebay listing out of respect to privacy, but the current owner claims, “I am not sure, but I was told that the body may have been made in Muson (Monson)Mass., by a place called KAR (Leroy Sharete maybe).” That means nothing to me however. It’s based on a 68-69 “full size” VW, and the car was last registered in 1978. It has no side or rear windows, and although now bare, the interior was once fitted with shag carpeting.

VolksBling

There was a time when Volkswagens were no-nonesense German transportation for the masses. And I’m not talking decades ago either.

In the last generation Passat and the facelift of the last generation Jetta, there was a frightening change in the styling. Chrome. Yes - they started sprucing up their models by not-so-liberally slapping chrome everywhere they could. It’s most obvious in the Jetta, as it was basically the same car with chrome bands added to the bumpers, bump strips on the doors and the grille (the Passat had a facelift along with the chromification so it wasn't as obvious or lame). Refer to the top pic for the Jetta chromification. I was frightened things would get worse, and the classic looks of Volkswagens would be ruined forever under a sea of 1950-70’s era chrome appendages that plagued American cars.

I did get worse, but in another way as well.

Slightly evident in their last generations, Volkswagens were moving upscale into a "mini-Audi" realm. The Jetta had much more content and luxury than previous generations, and the last gen Passat actually used a stretched Audi A4 platform. And of course their prices were rising too. However, now they even LOOK like Audis. Chrome slathered Audis.

It started in the new Jetta. Well - technically in the new Golf GTI that hasn’t come over yet. It’s that damn Audi "horse collar" grille. Except on Audi’s it most often looks good, and on Volkswagens it looks out of place, particularly on the Jetta/Golf. Like it was stuck on as an afterthought. The Jetta is worse off than the Golf (in fact, the basic Golfs have no Audi-grille at all). The Jetta is mainly built for North America, and it seems that therefore it must have tons of chrome. Mainly in the form of the Audi-takeoff grille and the tacky clear lense taillights. The GTI/GLI is possibly even worse off, as it grille shape is accentuated by black paint that just looks cheap.

While overall the look of the Jetta isn’t bad, it doesn't seem to look like a Volkswagen to me. It looks Japanese. The whole body save the front end looks almost like a Toyota Corolla. And those clear-lense taillights look needlessly elaborate (but then I suppose the whole car exterior is needlessly elaborate). That taillight trend started with the Toyota Altezza and in my opinion should have died a long time ago.

The new Passat looks a bit more cohesive, but at the same time looks all that much more like an Audi. In particular, the A6.

I guess all this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but what ever happened to the time when a brand had it’s own identity and style, instead of stealing someone else glory (even if it is a sister company)?

Volkswagen Fug Zephur

The range of Volkswagen Bug modifications is seemingly endless. Here's a Bug based Lincoln Zephur rip-off.