Custom Pontiac Destroy-It-With-Firebird

Found via eBay, this beauty - believe it or not - is fitted with a custom body kit. Penned by the skilled hands of the world's foremost toddler car designer, it's vaguely reminiscent of a Ferrari Testarossa with the front end of a Cavalier.  Randomly applied rectangular bump strips on the front and rear protect roughly 10% of the car from dings.  The front end features a RAM Air hood and an innovative 4L gas tank sitting precariously in the grill.  Crash test results pending.

The interior features trimless doors for weight savings, and a 6" slab of a leather sofa haphazardly glued to the dash for the occupants safety in the even of a crash.

Bondo Slipper

Is this Redneck Cinderella's ride to the ball or her bondo slipper?  Damn - Snow White Trash is a better pun but it doesn't fit the storyline...

Transformers - Less Than Meets the Eye

Saw this beaut today. Basically a stock Pontiac G6, but with Transformer logos on the doors and truck, and with white racing stripes containing the text "TRANSFORMERS". To add to the peculiarity of the vinyl treatment, the trunk also sported TWO Dakar Rally stickers. Maybe it transforms into two time Dakar rally winner? The owner was also a little surprising - I was expecting a teenage male driver, but it turned out to be a twenty-something Asian woman.

Pontiac Slimebird

It's amazing to think that someone else thought this was a good look. Having a hard time deciding which car is worse, but I'll have to go with this Firebird for the lime green on teal paint alone. And for the fact that the flaming green bird motif (what is it - radioactive?) looks more like the car hit Slimer cruising on the highway. At least they only ruined a V6 Firebird and not a Trans-Am (although I suppose it could be an unfortunate Formula).

1955 GM Concept Cars

Something was in the water in 1955 at the GM headquarters. It was this year when all of their divisions released concepts that not only looked to be based off the same architecture - they were all monumentally ugly. Sounds remarkably like GM in the 80's and early 90's...

Chevrolet Biscayne

First up we have the Chevrolet Biscayne. From the windshield back it's not too bad - there's a lot of Corvette in there, and although you can't see the rear it seemed to have inspired later Corvettes and the Corvair. That front however looks like an unappealing mix of Austin Healey Sprite and bulldozer. Also it seems to look remarkably like the cars in Fallout 3.

Cadillac La Salle II Hardtop Sedan

Next up we have the Cadillac La Salle II Hardtop Sedan. Note the identical DLO, save the back window. Early experimenting in what would lead to the Cimarron I suppose. Again this car has a grille-less front end, although the headlamps are moved further out and you have the additional chrome Cadillac rocket extensions. Oddly, this car looks even more like a Corvette than the Chevy, with the two tone scalloping and rear light detail recalling the first generation Vette. Compared to the sleek and simple ugly of the Biscayne, the LaSalle comes off as over-accessorized ugly.

It may not be share as many components as the others, but this possibly Corvette based roadster version of the La Salle II also appeared alongside it on show stands. Sharing the front end (but with cutouts under the headlights), it has the appearance of a mutated 1958 Corvette with it's ass chopped off. Although to be fair, it likely inspired the '58 Vette's front end design.

Pontiac Strato Star

Next is the Pontiac Strato Star. A bit more conventionally attractive than the above two, it also doesn't share their roofline (but then it's a 2 door). I'm not entirely sure it shares a platform with the above, but it does have similar proportions and similar odd detailing, like the inset headlights and overall heavy looking appearance. Another odd detail is the gigantic front wheel wells, which flow back to almost reach the doors. In later show circuit appearances these were painted red, making it look like someone took gigantic chunks out of the car's flesh.

Oldsmobile 88 Delta

The last of the bunch is the Olds 88 Delta. You might be thinking "where's Buick"? There was a Buick show car in 1955 - but it was the Wildcat III, an evolution of the previous two concepts and likely unrelated (and not fugly). Speaking of not fugly, I don't really consider this Buick to be fugly. A little ungainly, but it's the best looking of these four. Why include it? The windshield and front wheel wells look to be shared with the Pontiac, so it might be related to the other cars here.

Cloned: Pontiac Banshee inspired by Lamborghini?

I can't help but wonder if the people who designed the beautiful 1964 Pontiac Banshee concept found inspiration across the ocean in the form of the 1963 Lamborghini 350GTV. Lamborghini's first car, this styling one off eventually became Lamborghini's first production car, the 1964 350GT (although it's looks changed substantially).

I suppose it could be a coincidental evolution of Pontiac's split grille. But the flowing fenders, round hidden headlamps, central ridge in the hood and even the scripty badging are are all eerily similar.

PISA Scorpion

Another Phoenix International Sport Automobiles (PISA) Fiero creation. This unholy union of Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme and Toyota Celica is at least more unique than some of their other kits. In fact, at first glance I wouldn't have seen the Fiero connection had all of their products not revolved around Pontiac's mid-engined plagiarist's dream.

PISA Artero

Another kit from Phoenix International Sport Automobiles (or PISA), they claim the Artero is "a unique exotic sports car designed by PISA". In other words, it's a slightly squashed looking Lamborghini Diablo knock-off.

ZR1/2

GM has been milling around with the idea of a mid-engine Corvette for over a quarter century or so now. I'm not sure if a mildly disguised Fiero was what they were thinking, however. Also - I'm not sure if you could find an actual 1992-1996 Corvette for the price of a Fiero and the kit - and it would be a REAL Corvette. Regardless, this kit is available from Phoenix International Sport Automobiles.

Pontiac G6 GXP

I thought for sure I had posted this previously, hence the reference in my last post. However, this car came out while my site was in limbo. Since it's one of the ugliest cars ever to be sold new from the dealer, I guess I had assumed I posted it when it came out.

The GXP was Pontiac's attempt at an inhouse tuner car, available as a coupe or a sedan. The result, at least in style, was trying way too hard - not unlike aging washed up celebrities going overboard with the plastic surgery. The main offender - other than the card table of a spoiler available along with hood scoops on the "Street Edition" - was it's enlongated grille that gave the car a Bugs Bunny buck-toothed grin.

Speed Holes

This Fiero-based Countach replica has a novel design solution for the lack of air getting to the front mounted radiator – just fill the entire front hood with holes. I suppose it matches the louvered 25th Anniverary look – just don’t drive it in the rain.

PS: The title is a reference to “The Simpsons” episode “Homie the Clown” – been watching a lot of old Simpsons episodes lately.

Super Stepside

Billed as "the ultimate pickup", the Super Stepside is a bit of an oxymoron - given that the donor "truck" for this kit is full-size GM sedans from the 80's.

I first saw and posted this kit in 2005. I correctly guessed what it was made of, but thought something that looked this horrid was a homemade one-off. But it's actually available to purchase as a kit. People actually bought them, as more than one exist.

Early models such as the one posted earlier don't appear to have headlights, while the one above has some pilfered from the exotic Chevy Malibu.

Guf.

Pssst. You're doing it wrong.

The Sunshark

I've managed to stumble across pictures of a local legend. I've seen this car for years, in a slow progress of growth and "enhancement". Not unlike a tumor.

There are so many small yet equally impressive things to note about this particular, having seen it in the flesh, that I feel the need to note them one at a time.

Picture 1:

1. It's a Sunfire, and it has 4 doors. The perfect car for hot-rodding. Or "ricing" if you prefer.
2. It has two aftermarket, non-functional hood scoops.
3. Those hood scoops' "openings" have been painted metallic gold (note this as it appear elsewhere).
4. For a stylistic touch, the hood scoops appear to be on the "backwards", in that they angle down toward the corners of the car, not the centre.
5. The windsheild wiper arms are also painted metallic gold.
6. As are the stock grille mesh.
7. Canadian Tire aftermarket fog lamps are always classy, especially those blue ones that look like alien eyes.
8. It has a car bra, to protect those vital parts from chipping (I HATE car bras).
9. Note the black over stock paint colour, with random triangles cutting down into the stock gold body colour.
10. The car is on steel rims. PLEASE NOTE: here in Canada, people offen change into steel rims for winter tires and this picture could have been taken during that time. The grass is quite green, but the hardwoods have no leaves leading me to believe this was taken in spring. ALSO PLEASE NOTE: Similarly enhanced car sometimes are only equipped with hubcaps, which are removed in winter to give the illusion of actually having purchased real, non-plastic rims.
11. This precious automobile is double parked.

*UPDATE: This car (as of last week) now has 17" rims, which are not fugly (if you look at them without looking at the car as well).

Picture 2:

1. The Spoiler - what gives this car it's soul, and it's nickname - The Shark. The random paint triangles begin to make sense (sort of). Although I'm not sure yet whether this is a tribute to sharks or surfboards. At any rate, I'm sceptical of it's aerodynamic potential.
2. Said spoiler is made of WOOD.
3. Gigantic vinyl Pontiac emblem, a must have for any visually enhanced Sunfire.
4. Banded taillights, made with electrical tape.
5. Wheel locks on the steel wheels. While this is indeed hilarious by itself, the owner may have possessed aluminum rims with summer tires, and was using the steel rims for winter tires as noted above. If so, he probably would have used the same nuts to hold on both rims, and the locking nut would be for the aluminum rims, not the steel ones currently installed.

Picture 3:

1. Although I upped the contrast to see the interior better, the wiper arms are clearly visible here.
2. Classy painted interior bits; in gold (what appears to be metallic gold actually).
3. Canadian Tire (or Walmart?) steering wheel cover. It's yellow - close enough to gold. A bit off though from the colour scheme as a whole.
4. Random box atop the dask, painted to match.
5. Asian themed red seat cover with dragon.

1972 Pontiac "Race Car"

This beauty appears to be homemade. The ebay listing offers this description:

“This is a Race Car! It starts, runs and drives good… It looks to be built on a 1972 Pontiac Grandville chassis, with the original dash, and it is equipped with what looks like the original 455 V8 gas engine. It has a sheet metal body and everything has been stripped that is not necessary making it very light and extremely fast! It also has custom tires. The power steering is not working, but this car starts right up every time. We have no history on the car, such as racing history, if any, but it looks like it was built more for advertising and showing.”

So it’s a “race car” that MAY have raced, MAY have a 455 and MAY be based on a Pontiac Granville. It also MAY not be safe to drive. I'm not sure if I would buy something from someone with such vague descriptions. I would also not buy something that fugly.

2005 Pontiac Grand Am

You might have heard some car companies exclaim that their "beauty is in the details". At Pontiac, the fugliness is in the details. A good example of this is the Pontiac Grand Am. It’s full of lame attempts to convey sportiness.

For example:

The "Ram-Air" hood scoops are blocked with honeycomb patterned black plastic. It’s so bad you can even see it in the press photos on their website (although possibly not in this shrunken down version).

Little aircraft-like wings and "speed swipes" are everywhere. Note the winglets on the rear spoiler.

"Speed Swipes" on the rims to convey motion. Chrome rims up the tacky factor.

Also, note the typical craptastic Pontiac interior. Large round vents, cheap plastics with bad textures, odd organic forms and eerie "Satan Orange" backlit gauges and buttons. But what makes the Grand Am interior unique is the gigantic pods housing the speedometer and tach. I think they’re supposed to look like jet engine afterburners or something. But it looks more like Dolly Parton’s bra.

Grand Fug

Hurry to ebay before it's gone! Stylish custom pre-1996 Pontiac Grand Am. Front bumper not only gaping, but headlights are also covered weirdly by bumper. Vintage mid-90's fad aqua, with large clashing purple and green vinyl stripes. Chrome rims ad bling, while black plastic louvered window decorations ad some 80's flava. Interior tricked out with unidentified fabric covering. Can be used for everyday transportation, or as a snowplow in winter. Being used for sod removal in above pics.

Crossover Lowriders

Due to the recent popularity of shows such as "Pimp-My-Ride" (I think every car on that show qualifies to be on this site), it seems people are beginning to think they can turn anything into lowriders. Lowriders are on the line when it comes to fugliness in the first place. It's to the point when the type of car itself will push it into the realm of fugliness. These two cars are a sort of case-in-point.

Lowriders were born to be big, classic American cars. Rarely are cars made past 1980 made into low riders, mainly because they don't have the size and style to do so. Sports cars are also not meant to be lowriders.

A mid-80's Firebird doesn't not have the lines for a lowrider, and is a sports car. Sure - Firebirds of that period had like 100hp and can't really be called sporty, but nonetheless. Also - foreign car should not be made into lowriders. ESPECIALLY cheap ass ones from the 80's. Hence the Jetta. I mean, if you're going to spend thousands of dollars on modifying the car, you should at least spend more than $50 on the car itself.

These cars also have bad pearlescent paint, but that's another story. Pearlescent paint was meant for depth. The mica flecks in the Jetta's paint are so huge they look like someone coated the car in Elmer's glue and stuck glitter on it. It's turning paint into bling.

Attack of the Clones, Pt. 4

I wouldn't call either fugly, but the Pontiac G6 convertible looks better IMO. Still, doesn't the G6 convertible (or coupe) look shocking similar to the Toyota Camry Solara convertible (or coupe) from the rear?

Pontiac Aztek

First of all, the Aztek was a hideous show car. I have no idea who greenlighted the production version - they should be shot. Rarely do production versions look better than the concept. Also - who thought the Pontiac spear logo would make a good rim pattern? And even more amazing is that this car is still for sale, being the but of many jokes. Is it actually selling well? I wish the Aztek would make like the Aztecs and disappear already.

Like the Oldsmobile Bravada, this car suffers from a dual personality. Setting aside it's blatant fugliness, who would look at this car and see an SUV and not a minivan? It's not very hard to see this "SUV's" minivan routes. Like I made reference to with the Bravada, it's like a man that went in for a sex change operation, but still looks very much a man. And can pitch a tent at that.